I Was the Coolest Guy in 55105 until Vincent Kartheiser Showed Up
Not good Bob.
You do know who Vincent Kartheiser is. He’s from Apple Valley, he was on Mad Men. He used to look like this.
Now he looks like this.
So Vincent Kartheiser was really good on Mad Men and your guess is as good as mine what he’s done since but presumably cool movie guy stuff. Juicing, expensive therapy, acting, impromptu trips to Las Vegas, hiking, farmer’s markets, hiking on rocks with women in yoga pants. I figure he's been doing everything all my friends who go to LA do. Bon voyage Vince, have an amazing life. You weathered a divorce last year, but that happens, I hope you’re on the up and up. But turns, out Vince has had a burning desire to get back to Minnesota ASAP. You can even see in the photo above that Vince-a-reeno is tearing off his lavalier mic and saying “get me on the next Sun Country to Terminal 2 folks”.
And you know what Mr. Kartheiser, Minnesota would be happy to have you back. Josh Hartnett lives here sometimes. Rent a loft in the North Loop and go to restaurants with names like “High Snap” and “Colton Twenty One”, find a spot where the average weight of a dog is nine pounds. ENJOY IT VINCENT. You worked for it. BUT NO. Kaptain Kartheiser is back in. . ..Saint Paul? Vincent, no movie stars live in Saint Paul. Josh Hartnett is from Saint Paul but I bet he lives in Minneapolis. And Vincent, if you want to live in Saint Paul, go to Lowertown, heck grab a condo fit for a duke on the West End of Grand Ave. But I believe the Kartheiser clan is shacked up in 55105 right by me. They’re going to name a Nook burger after him. He’s picking up poop from his dog on Randolph Avenue just like me. This is unacceptable.
Vincent, until you got here I was undefeated the coolest person in 55105 unless Marlon James was teaching a class that day at Macalester. Vincent, I am not that cool. But 55105 is really not that cool. Or at least it is not that kind of cool. The neighborhood is full of people walking their dogs, catching the bus, mowing their lawn, finishing their day with a nice old TV watch. Not everyone is cord-cutters. A lot of folks in the 55105 haven’t tried macrobiotic. Awesome people, not cool people. The average weight of a dog is 27 pounds. Restaurants have names like a restaurant name in a story written by a tenth grader would have: Carmelo’s, The Groveland Tap, The Italian Pie Shoppe. Delicious restaurants, but no random numbers, no unexplainable nouns. Vincent, I don’t think we can give you what you need. A person who has been in cool TV shows should eat at a place where you can say something like “and how is the seabass?”. It’s not happening in 55105. The only thing that is happening in 55105 is. . .well. . .me. I’m cool. I’m on the radio, I play in a band, we even rehearse in the 55105. We’re cool right? Well I felt really cool until you showed up Vincent. You outcool me and it’s rough. Your options are as follows:
1) not give a shit about this blog post
Nope, that’s it. You do you Vincent, me and Marlon James will get over it.