Lowell George Has Me Messed Up

Do you know Lowell George? He was the centerpiece of the first incarnation of the group Little Feat. They are the best Southern rock band to come out of Los Angeles. Lowell George is a great writer and he died in 1979. He died at the Twin Bridges Marriott in Arlington, VA. It was an accidental cocaine overdose. But I was reading about George last night while listening to some Little Feat and it briefly mentioned that in addition to speedballs and tons of alcohol Lowell George gained a bunch of weight at the end of his life weighing 308 pounds.

I weigh more than 308 pounds. I weigh 330 pounds. I don’t do speedballs. But seeing my weight listed in a paragraph that could be labeled as “reasons Lowell George died” had me feeling frustrated. I believe it is fair to mention Lowell George’s weight gain when talking about the deterioration of his health. I understand that Lowell George near his death and I are both morbidly obese. I feel that weight is a valuable part of a metric of health. I think most people agree with that. The fact that it’s become effectively the only metric is frustrating. On top of that, we make other people's weight our business in a way that is unfair. A lot of the bad health decisions that others make don’t show up as visibly as weight. Thus we all feel the freedom to cast judgment in a way that is really unfair.

I deserve love and support even if I was throwing down a whole large pizza in the back of my tour bus before cooking up a speedball (does one cook one of those?). Lowell George deserved love and he probably deserved someone to check in with him, help him get his life on track. That didn’t happen. But, I just don’t think that is a fair description of everyone who is morbidly obese. I hate what I would think about myself if I just walked past me on the bus. I’d think, that dude needs to start exercising, he needs counseling, he needs a supportive partner. The hard part is I’ve got that, I have a fitness regiment, I’ve seen mental health counselors in the recent past and currently do couples counseling. I have a wildly supportive partner. I have the ingredients I need to lead a healthy life. I get more sleep than I used to. I am more comfortable with my feelings. I eat better. I sleep better. I show up better. But I don’t live a thin life. I don’t like a chunky life. I live a morbidly obese life. And I have this monstrous desire to understand every detail of George’s drug abuse, so I can divide my life from his. I didn’t really understand drugs in high school so when Chris Farley died I figured fat people just doubled over and died at some point. I lived in fear and inaction for years. Lowell George, I hope you rest in peace, I hope your soul is good. I’m sorry you died. The path that I’m on is not a straight line to the grave, I am taking care of my body, I am taking time for myself and I am doing it on my terms. I slip, I fail, I have goals I haven’t met, but I love myself and even if we share a scale reading, we are facing different things, and we are facing them differently.