Maybe You Should Play Rapscallion
I struggle to play with my kids. Do you?
Sometimes play is boring to me. Sometimes Legos are small. I want to do the dishes. I want to talk to Rachel. I want to look at my stupid phone and read about another terrible act of violence that has happened in the Twin Cities metro area. I do play with the kids. But I struggle to play, I struggle to stay in it. But across maybe the last two and a half years a very elaborate game has evolved between me and my two daughters called Rapscallion. I love it. And you’ll love it too. And you can play it. BUT, there are tons of rules.
HISTORY: One time my oldest daughter, who at the time was probably five, grabbed my hat and I told her she was a rapscallion. I tried to get the hat back and she refused. We wrestled. This was on the couch downstairs. We laughed and I’d get the hat back and she’d take it back. Then she started adding “freeze” to the lexicon. She would freeze me and position me like I was picking my nose. I started to complain that she was not only a rapscallion but the largest rapscallion in North America by quite a fair clip. She would then permit me to call different dignitaries by using her foot as a phone. I frequently called Joe Biden, Lieutenant Governor Peggy Flanagan and many others. I would say “hello Joe Biden, I’m Sean McPherson in the 55105 zip code and I have the largest rapscallion in human history here in my home and I need your help”. My daughter would then go “SQUAWK! I can’t hear you, I’m with my chickens.” I would then go “President Biden, can you please step away from the chickens?” My daughter would say “SQUAWK, SQUAWK, I can’t hear you, it’s the chickens.” At one point at a family get together I probably put eight different feet to my ear and pretended to talk to the sitting President Joe Biden.
My younger daughter soon wanted in on the game nightly and we started having spirited rounds of rapscallion. A couple firm hits to the couch during the rough-housing inspired us to decamp to my bed upstairs and things have been much safer since then. We’ve still had accidents, kids fall off the bed, hit something, but the main playing field is soft and comfortable.
THE PROCESS: Rapscallion starts with my two daughters on the bed, the oldest usually wielding a pillow. Once I am armed with a pillow she is then able to hit me with the pillow. I work my way down to the bed while taking body blows from the pillow wielder and making sure to not fall on top of the youngest. From there we enter into a set of loose rituals as part of rapscallion:
Snack Time - This is where the girls eat at my fingers and wrists. They understand I hate this. But me hating it is an important aspect of the game. If I resign myself to getting my hands licked and surrender they say “daddy, you hate this right?”
Mrs. Whobewubba - For Mrs. Whobewubba I lay on my back and my oldest daughter sits on me down by the small of my back. Then my younger daughter sits on my shoulders and they refer to her as Mrs. Whobewubba. The oldest is known as the safety belt and the safety belt holds Mrs. Whobewubba in place. They then ask me start driving and I start moving. My eldest smacks my side and says “does this thing go any faster??” Then my youngest hits my side and says “yeah! does this thing go any faster??” After I pick up speed the oldest tells the youngest “don’t you dare say this is the life.” After a second long pause the youngest says “this is the life.”
Secret Weapon - My youngest’s secret weapon in her reckoning is her ability to jump from one side of me to the other. She asks to use her secret weapon and we clear out so she can execute a couple jumps. My oldest is disqualified from jumping across me cause if she falls on me it cracks my back and hurts like hell and I have to say “oh fuck, fuck me oh my god” and I try not to talk like that in front of my kids.
Balance of Power and Secret Alliances - In this game my kids are the rapscallions and as someone trying to destroy the rapscallions I am referred to as a rapscallander. But frequently my youngest will start as a rapscallender. She will hide under a blanket and hand me different “powers” that she has. When she gives me her final power, the strongest power which contains all other powers within it, she then joins forces with my other daughter and becomes a rapscallion.
THE OFFICIAL RIDES: After our period of loose playing I then inform the girls as to whether they get one ride a piece or two rides a piece on this particular night. They then pick from an ever-expanding set of games.
Volcano - the kids lay on top of me and say “I hope this volcano doesn’t eru. . .” and as they say erupt I jump up and start imitating a volcano and trying to knock them off me.
Pizza Pie - I grab my oldest daughter and hold her upside down. I say “upside down pizza pie, she’s a pizza pie, but she’s upside down.” I then turn her right side up and in a very faux Italian accent I say “Tony, Giuseppe, grab the sausage, grab the spinach, grab the Mozzarella we’ve got a pizza pie” and then I throw her on the bed.
Laundry - I remove all the laundry from a full laundry basket and then my youngest climbs into to the laundry basket. I return all the clothes to the basket. I pick up the basket and say “this is so heavy, why is this clothes basket so heavy?” My daughter says “it’s Momma’s winter clothes.” I then empty all the clothes in the basket and when I get to my daughter I say “this isn’t a shirt, this is a whole person, what are you doing in here?” and she says “I’m a laundry person!”
Weights - With my youngest daughter who I can still easily pick up this involves doing ten chest presses. Sometimes while lifting her up she kicks her feet out and attempts to leave. Those ones are called escape weights and she’s only allowed to do a couple of those. With my oldest daughter she sits on top of me and we hold each others hands. I try to push her up off of my chest and for 14 reps she lets me do this. On the fifteenth she pushes back incredibly hard and I suffer and grumble. She then says “daddy, was the fifteenth one harder than all the others put together” and I say yes.
Rocket - I hold my oldest daughter in my arms and then launch her like a rocket onto the bed.
X - In this game one daughter gets on top of me horizontal and the other one vertical and then they hit me and say “does this thing go any faster?” Sometimes the youngest says slow down but I only listen to whoever picked “X” for their ride.
Hit Daddy - This is a theoretical game because when they say they want to play “hit daddy” I say no.
Fight - This is a real game that is effectively just hit daddy but for some reason I let it happen.
CONCLUSION: I think that just covers it. I hope you’ll consider getting a black belt in rapscallion with your kids. It’s truly changed my life to have a game I love to play with my kids.