My Yoga Enemy

You shouldn’t have a yoga enemy. You shouldn’t. But it’s fun to have one. I go to yoga every week. And probably 95% of the time there’s a lady who comes in who I just. . .take issue with. I don’t hate her. I’d love to know more about her. I’d love to know every detail of her weird ass life that has brought her to where her behaviors currently reside, which I would say is left of “that’s weird” and right of “what the f*ck are you on?”. I don’t know her name but I’m almost sure it’s Sandra based on vibe alone. Sandra gets to the Y around when I do and before working out is working on her laptop in the area in front of the pool. That’s cool. That’s normal. But it is a short window of working time. Class is at 8:15. We are both rolling in at 7:35. I’ve got time to lift some weights and maybe look at texts and do nothing about them. You’re doing a laptop session? Cool. But, Sandra, you come into class 5-8 minutes late most everyday. I know you aren’t late from the roads, you’ve been on that laptop. The time is up in the top right on a Mac. Don’t be late for the class Sandra. And then Sandra waltzes in and puts her laptop bag and all that shit in the back of the yoga studio (when will the Y add lockers??) and then grabs a mat in the loudest way possible. AND THEN SANDRA goes and finds a spot and sometimes asks a person to move their mat a little. SANDRA YOU’RE LATE. If you need to move something move the garbage can, I’m already doing my shoulder stretches FFS. Okay Sandra and you aren’t in yoga gear. Neither am I, but you’re wearing a cardigan, and professional pants. Sandra, I am in gym shorts here, you have jewelry on. And Sandra, when the teacher says “do whatever moves for your body feel good to do, take some water, and move to seated” is she quietly broadcasting to you “now you go ahead and stay standing and keep on picking at your cuticles”. I didn’t hear her say that Sandra. I didn’t hear that. AND THEN SANDRA YOU LEAVE EARLY SOMETIMES. “Got to get back to the old lippity laptop!”. So you are then walking back into the back of the studio and grabbing your bag, and loudly putting away your mat. And for awhile I thought you were rushing to get to the aquatics class, which is a forgivable offense. BUT YOU AREN’T. That lady I thought was you in the pool just looks like you Sandra. I don’t know what you’re doing, but if I pulled half of that sh*t once I would just feel so awful. Inconveniencing folks, showing up late, walking out early, picking at my hands while everyone else is in sun pose. But for Sandra it’s just another day at the Y/Office and I truly love it. Sandra, I do hope you keep coming cause I love having you as my fake enemy. I know I’m supposed to say that I’m sure if I met you I’d think you were a swell person. Sandra, I am not certain of that. I am not certain of the opposite, but you have some explaining to do. Until next yoga class!