Out of Control
It was easy to feel out of control all weekend. I’ve struggled with what I’m eating, I’ve struggled to get the exercise I want. I didn’t realize what a blessing/curse/blessing again working on Saturday nights was. So first off, it sucked. I got to do an awesome thing on Saturday nights, but that means, no easy weekends for cabins, no easy weekends for just catching up. But I had this thing on Monday. . .I had a lunch meeting with the Trivia Mafia powers that be. Once a month I met with my nutritionist. Every week I met with my trainer. I had some time to open my mail, to touch base on Heiruspecs things. I’ve got none of that, I’m just out here. I get those hours in the weekday mornings. But if you’re trying to get to work in Minneapolis by 11am, you’re leaving like 10:40, and you have to make dinner, and you have to walk the dog, and you want to clean the house. What I’m trying to tell you is I haven’t really checked my mail since I started my new job. I haven’t done a project. I haven’t cleaned something all the way. And there is limited vacation at the new job, so I’m not going to be taking a day off to clean. If I take a day off I’m either going to go make money with Trivia Mafia or as a bass player or I’m going to go somewhere with my family.
So I just don’t know when I’m going to make some of the leaps I want in home management, in turntable joy, in a clean garage. And I think the reality is bit by bit, and it’s hard to acknowledge that. I have a dayjob that challenges me, nourishes me, and requires a lot of focus. That is all very good news. But, I have other pursuits that have checked those boxes for a long time and I can’t just let them go. I need to clear out the bullshit hours of my day. And those don’t come cascading in to my life in nice 15 minute chunks. Its the mindless re-checking of twitter (which I had weaned myself off of but I’m back), it’s the looking at the NYTimes Opinion. That could be a paragraph in a book. Instead it’s just this “hey give me the update” “hey did Andrew Broder like a new album?” “what is the funniest thing on twitter today”. It’s just a drain, a drain that is enjoyable per drip, but numbing per cup. I hate it. I’m happier when I stop, but in the micro what will one look do? What’s the problem with checking twitter sometimes? It’s A GOD DAMN SLIPPERY SLOPE IS WHAT IT IS.
So I want this peace. I don’t feel good about my body. My nutritionist has me not weighing myself, and since I’ve done that this is the first time where I feel like I’ve gained weight. And the truth is, if I feel that way, I want to address that. But if I got on the scale and didn’t lose weight would I just say. . .fuck it let’s party! Amber, my nutritionist, thinks even the “good” news I get out of weighing myself is part of a negative experience. I can feel that, I can believe that. But man, that’s an awful lot to navigate. Just a lot.
ARRRGH, what a great blog post. Glad to just spit something out, I can’t wait for the moment I’m fully rested and can give this two hours of my time. It’s not happening! WOWZ WOWZ WOWZZZZAAAA what a memory.