The Drive to Connect

I have spent a lot of my life trying to connect with other people both as individuals, as fans of bands I play in, as listeners to radio stations. I also try to connect in smaller ways than that. I want to find consensus or understanding on great chicken wings, on under-appreciated songs from well known artists, I want to both have seen the same random thing on an episode of Blind Date from 23 years ago. I want to connect. I don’t pass out business cards to people while saying “let’s connect” because I’m not an asshole. But I do want to connect. I’ll be up front, I don’t want to necessarily connect on a completely even playing field. I can’t guarantee I want to read your blog, or listen to your CD, or tune into your radio station. The truth is I’ll usually give it a try, but if it’s not my cup of tea I’m not going to stay committed because we are connected. I want to connect and some of it is for ego related reasons. I feel great when people feel I’m great. That’s natural. And in general that drive has brought me to great places. A sense of pride in my performance, a sense of effort in creating a strong album knowing that some amount of people are actually going to check it out. When you try and do great things you often get to do a fair amount of pretty cool things along the way. Let’s have a quick sidebar:

Two nights ago I had the enviable task of listening to the test pressings of Heiruspecs’ A Tiger Dancing. It’s a record that turns twenty years old in ten days. Even though it feels awesome to listen to your own music on vinyl I was stressing in this particular situation. This is work that Heiruspecs recorded 21 years ago. It is no doubt the most commercially successful album I’ve ever been front and center on. I’m sure some of the records I’ve played bass on have sold some more copies, but A Tiger Dancing is likely the furthest reach I’ve ever had as a creative person. I was hoping that the master would be good, that the work would stand up to the test of time, that I could proudly endorse people spending some of their money to get a copy of this record. But before I even put the record on I had that happy/sad feeling that comes from being in your forties and feeling good about how you’ve spent the first half of your life but confused about how you’ll spend the second half. As I went to my little cubby to retrieve the records I just thought about test pressings in general. They are so fucking cool. The first time I ever got test pressings they were FedExed up to Bennington College at a cost of like $65 dollars because Heiruspecs was playing a show there and the record label needed our approval ASAP. WHAT? How cool is that? The records were so thick, felt like two 180 gram records glued together. They had the name of our manager on them. I still have em. They sounded great, I was so happy. I had to go find a turntable and give em a listen. I felt so. . .arrived, so optimistic about the trajectory. Hilariously I bet you that day I got those test pressings was maybe exactly 20 years ago from when I am writing.

I love the trappings of a life in music. I am not talking about the mountains of coke or the ability to treat women horribly and think you can get away with it because you are talented. Those are trappings I eschew. I am talking about the test pressings, the reviews of artwork, the printing of contracts for shows, the hanging of posters, the reading of magazines and the smoking of weed or cigarettes whilst a more talented person mixes your record. I sit and drink coffee with my best friend Martin most Sundays and whenever he says something like “just sent the masters in” or “I think we’ve landed on a good album cover” I remember how magical this pursuit is. But as I’m looking at these test pressings I remember how fleeting it is too. How many more test pressings do I get to pore over? How many more 9V batteries do I buy before I’m done playing gigs? It’s been a long run, but it’s still a fleeting run and when it ends is not purely up to me. It’s up to the family of musicians I play with. It’s up to the small but supportive audience different projects I’ve been in have been lucky enough to attract across the last twenty five years. It’s up to the needs of my kids, the needs of my own. It’s an honor to pursue a creative life, but it’s a tenuous honor.

Sidebar Done: I don’t think seeking out approval and connection is unhealthy. I think the healthiest form of this behavior is very flat hierarchically. It feels very good for my soul to pursue friendships with my neighbors, with my co-workers, with random ass people. I believe you’d agree with that for your life. Making friends, having friends, spending time together, these things make us healthier. Wanting that connection and pursuing it are pretty reasonable pursuits. I also believe that seeking out those connections in the manner that was available to me in the 1990s and early 2000s was relatively safe and beneficial. I want to connect with audiences so I pass out flyers, I send out press releases, I go to shows by other artists and try to connect, try to establish some community. I want to have friends so I get phone numbers, host parties, call people, remember people, explore new social settings. And as I pursue the lofty and praiseworthy goal of being connected I do cool things along the way: I listen to test pressings, I go to concerts, I put up posters, I work on mixing a record, I play basketball, I go camping with random people, I strike up a conversation with the weird pizza delivery guy at the coffeeshop. At every turn that I’m trying to fill my cup socially I am filling my cup in other ways. I’m filling my cup of knowledge. I’m filling my cup of new experiences. I’m filling my cup with good things. But now there is the shortcut of social media and as it has slowly built itself to invade almost anything you do. Are you playing basketball? Are you picking up extra players on social media? Are you going to a show? Better tell everyone you are going to a show! You are seeking out a worthwhile thing, connection and maybe receipt of connection, receipt of being bonded. But to pursue that you are letting social media to just pour onto every surface of your life. That’s well documented. But I don’t think you are getting the residual skills and experiences you want by trying to get that social connection off of social media. You aren’t playing basketball, you aren’t learning about movies, you aren’t starting a band. If you are using social media s a vehicle to launch real life magic, more power to you. It’s magical for that. Inside of social media is the greatest flyer passing out system in the world. But it is landlocked, surrounded with an infrastructure meant to make you hate yourself and buy someone else’s shit. You want connection and your are suffocated with insufficiency. You are suffocated with what you think is the news of the day including the dumb news your real life friends combine. But that’s just a shell. The feed is actually aiming to make you stuck there. The feed is designed to make you miss that pick up basketball game and to wallow.

I try to build pathways around the algorithm. I hope when I mention my blog on my social media it pulls one or two people off of a place designed to maximize engagement and dollars into a place designed to maximize depth and connection. I want you to read this blog and do something more awesome with your day. Maybe it’s listen to a record. Maybe it’s go to a yoga class. Maybe it’s a concert. Maybe you cook a delicious ass recipe. I don’t need you to stay here forever.

My dad used to tell me that the planners had thought that Mall of America would create a huge network of other retail around the mall. But actually, the first stuff to sprout up by MOA was hotels cause they had all the retail covered! People needed to crash. When I heard about social media I rightfully thought it was going to make reaching people easier; you could remind your friend in Sioux Falls more easily that your band was coming through. But at some point it isn’t a network for the real world. . .it’s a network for itself. And it creates it’s own language, it’s own hierarchy, it’s own reward system. You came in to play basketball and you leave wondering why everyone hates you. And you didn’t even break a sweat. I think seeking out connection is wildly important. I think making those connections is even more important. And I think Facebook is a wildly easy tool for seeking out connection and is absolute garbage for delivering. It’s an easy tool for the wrong job.