Universal Truths

Here are little-known universal truths.

If someone starts a speech with “I’m going to keep this brief” they are not.
If you are an adult at a zoo without children you are high.
If you still have a set of CDs in your driver side visor in your car and a colorful, fuzzy steering wheel cover you are a dynamo in the sack.
If your favorite apple is a Golden Delicious you are an AI who has been sent to kill someone, probably Senor Honeycrisp.
You have clogged a toilet before, everyone has.
From time to time you do snore a little.
Drum solos are better than bass solos.
Maxwell sounds better when played in New York City.
Low sounds better when played in Duluth.
Vanilla ice cream is better than chocolate ice cream.
Mobb Deep sounds better in cold weather and best in a hoodie in weather so cold you should be wearing a jacket too but you aren’t.
Vinyl doesn’t sound that much better, but it feels unbelievably better.
When you are a little “off” you will always feel at least slightly better after a glass of water.
The Summer Olympics are better than the Winter Olympics.
The guitar player should turn down a little.
Chaka Khan.
Cable was better when you had to remember what number the different channels were.
We’re all impressed you change your own oil but you don’t really save that much money Joe.
A trumpet is better than a saxophone. Saxophones are better than trumpets.
Generally the best seasons of all shows is the third and fourth season.
The best sausage pizza is better than the best pepperoni pizza, but if the worst sausage pizza is much worse than the worst pepperoni pizza.
Many people sing better after two drinks than stone sober. No one sings better after a six pack*.
Whenever somebody on foot says “it’s like four blocks away” it’s definitely at least six blocks away.
The intro to your song is too long, the outro is not long enough.

*credit to excellent producer Knol Tate on this take.