When Life Is Lemons, Lemons

Sometimes life bears down on you from every direction. I have learned that my natural cries for help at times like this are not very fruitful. They generally involve fishing for enthusiasm from support from people I don’t know on social media. Sometimes when life is hard, the best bet is to let it be hard. Before social media I faced difficulty largely by looking internally and to people who loved me. When a bad thing happened I didn’t immediately metabolize it by thinking I could share it on my network. And I need to go back to that. Pain, disappointment, they are all a part of life and none of that pain will be resolved in a meaningful way by seeing how many likes it gets or how many “you’ll get there bud” messages you want. It flicks the little light in your heart, that little alert feeling. I didn’t even have a word for it, but a feeling in your shoulders and the top of your head when you have new notifications. I need to hurt without that feeling, I need to grieve without that feeling. I am already pretty good at smiling, laughing and loving without that feeling. But pain is something different. And accepting the way through pain as largely solitary is something I want to get back to. Is it a strange half-measure to say that but write about it on my squarespace not my ms word journal? Absolutely. It’s a half measure because I am trying to make sure that this page documents much of my spectrum with the slightest bit of compression. I’ll keep the low lows and the high highs to myself. But I want to publish a more complete version of who I am than I am comfortable doing on social media sites. So here I am. These lemons are delicious, I’m gonna go eat them alone.