To Every Fat 18 Year Old Boy

My nutritionist suggested I never get on a scale again. She’s been on this for awhile, and I’m trying to warm to it. She’s all for metrics, I’m all for metrics. But the scale is such an overbearing, singular measure of health. And it’s misleading. And I would say that people overweighing themselves also results in more loss and gain than just carving a path towards pursuing a healthy relationship with food. But, when I was at my worst self-confidence, my most down about myself, I was scared to get on the scale, and I was 18. I had no pride, I just had fear. I had to get a physical that year. I went to that Health Partners over on Eustis to get my physical. Anna My then spectacular girlfriend, and now spectacular friend Anna took me to the appointment and waited for me. The scale couldn’t weigh me, I weighed too much. I could hear two nurses on the phone with some other person trying to figure out how to weigh me, making jokes about getting two scales. I get tense just thinking about it. Fuck them. I weighed 390 lbs. I felt horrible. I just felt worn out, misunderstood, I felt no control over my body, over my weight gain. Anna was supportive, she was loving, she was everything she could be, but you can’t protect a fat 18 year old boy from the way the world treats you.
So I weigh less than that now. I weigh 340 pounds. Scroll down and you’ll see I write that I weigh 330 pounds. I was lying to you then. I am carrying a bit of Hanukkah weight. When I told my nutritionist that I had lied about my weight on my wildly successful blog she gave me the slightest eye roll. She’s a smart woman, she knows her shit and she thinks even the positive feedback from the scale might ultimately be a negative in my life. She asked me what I would miss about weighing myself. I first told her about this 390 thing. I told her how it was rock bottom, it was the worst. I felt like utter garbage. I measure my success in weight often with the idea of “stay as far away from 390 as possible”. That involves some scenario where I see some number sneaking towards 390 and I am some able to pump the brakes on my life and white knuckle me weight back to a more comfortable position. This is all based in fiction. The improvements I’ve health I’ve experienced in my life have come from the following: giving up sugar sodas and giving up a fair amount of other shitty carbohydrates, sleeping more, exercising more, cooking more, traveling less, loving myself, working on my mental health. I’ve never lost weight by scaring the shit out of myself. Fuck the scale, I don’t need it.
But, as you know, I am a celebrity. And I want to be a brave, fat, sexy celebrity and part of that is being comfortable not just talking about my size, but about my weight. I don’t know why. I remember Questlove saying some 20 years ago that he was 290 or maybe 275, I don’t know what, but I thought, “wow, he’s so comfortable with himself he can talk about his actual weight”. It inspired me. It gave me balance. It gave me a sense that you could be fat and cool. I don’t know if I need to get on the scale to do that for any fat 18 year old boys who might be looking up to me to any degree. So here’s my note to all the fat 18 year old boys (if you’re aren’t a fat 18 year old boy you are still welcome to read it):

The hardest shit about being fat is going to happen outside of your body. People are going to treat you so different that you’re going to start treating yourself different. DON’T. Don’t think shit will be all better if you lose the weight. You’ll still struggle. You’ll still have bad days. You’ll still have health concerns. Your weight is not keeping you from a good life. A fat boy can have sex. A fat boy can have sex with thin people. A fat boy can flirt. A fat boy can be serious. A fat boy can be funny. A fat boy can fight. A fat boy can skate. A fat boy can rock climb. A fat boy can have a family. A fat boy can work a job that requires uniforms. There isn’t a thin boy trapped inside you. There’s just you. You aren’t trapped in anything. You are you. Love your body, do things that make your body feel good. Move your body in ways that you like. Love your body. Answer the hate you receive with love. I hope people don’t call you names like they called me names. I hope people don’t make fun of you the way they made fun of me. Cause I hope the world has gotten a little better in this regard. But whatever you face, you can do this. For me, I’m not gonna weigh myself anymore. I’ve learned a lot about my health, I know what I should eat, I know when I slip, I know what brings me to a place where I sleep better, where I feel better, where I know I’m living my life the right way for my health. The scale is not gonna be a part of that anymore. Blood pressure monitoring is, at some point maybe blood sugar will be too. But for right now, I’m going to find my path towards always improving my health without the scale. That might not be right for you. That’s a decision that you will make. I love you. I love me. I even love the people who hate us. But I love you more.